It’s been a while since I wrote an off-the-cuff blog that isn’t
spammy sponsored, so I thought that it was about time I got back into my office and wrote something that is a bit more personal. At the start of this year, I did quite a few diary-style posts and the main reason why I did that was because it was therapeutic for me. The pleasant side-effect was that it really kick-started my blog again and got some traffic back onto the site. I made some great connections with new people too. So, I thought that it might be nice to update regular readers (mostly my family) with what’s been happening in my life since those super-personal posts.
It was around January that I started sharing and things were really bad back then. I recall a Friday morning that month when everything just seemed TOO MUCH. Literally everything. Even the most basic things. Then I randomly, while playing Pokemon, realised every counsellor I’ve ever spoken to has bigger problems than me (I even had to talk one down from a panic attack during a therapy session once – I shit you not). I realised that maybe I’m trying to solve the wrong problem. Maybe I need nothing more than an attitude adjustment and to stop feeling sorry for myself.
We’re all very quick to claim a label for a mental health condition these days instead of accepting that sometimes, life just stinks. And it’s not because we’re depressed or chronically anxious (which, let’s face it, I am). It’s because the world is a confusing place full of confusing people who let us down – there isn’t anything “wrong” with us. I prefer to think of it like being tuned to the wrong frequency and all you have to do to hear beautiful music again is make a tiny adjustment of the dial. So, I started tweaking, this way and that, trying to find a station again. It didn’t have to be the right one, just a change from all the metaphorical white noise. And here’s what that station sounds like…
I worked for a well-known children’s charity during the spring. I spent my time wearing rubber gloves, sifting through shitty donations. I started at the end of February and finished in June. I mostly enjoyed my time there and met some really interesting characters but I’m not going back, despite having promised I would once the school summer break has finished. I’ve changed my mind. *shrug* I feel like I’ve achieved what I wanted there, so now it’s time to close that very short book.
I’ve travelled a bit more this year, but only in England. I visited Warwickshire and London in the spring and Yorkshire last month. I also travelled alone, both to London and to Yorkshire, which I’ve never done before. As a teenager I was agoraphobic and although I’m 99.9% over it, I still have my limits. Yorkshire kinda stretched them. Something I learned while on that trip is that if you’re ever scared and out of your depth, talking to strangers can be a good way to distract yourself. It also has the added bonus that you are making a new connection.
In June, the biggest change happened. I started a new job, working for a building society. It’s a major change in direction, isn’t it? I’ve been there for seven weeks now. At times, I ask myself if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t ever answer that question. Answering yourself back is a sign of insanity, but I also feel like it doesn’t need to be answered. Time will tell. I like being out in the working world again, meeting new people and most of all, I like my credit card bill decreasing with each passing week. It’s a great feeling! It’s also been an ego boost to have even got the job. Apparently 35 people applied and I was top of their candidate list. Isn’t that awesome?! At the moment, I don’t know how long I’ll stay there. I’d like to stay long-term (mostly because of the pension and private healthcare) but if I don’t and I end up moving on, I’m fine with that too.
So far, in 2019, I’ve released five Leger books (that’s an affiliate link right there so I make money if you buy after clicking), three of them in the last month while I’ve been working in the corporate world again. I have plans for a few more and when I’m done with those, I haven’t decided exactly what to write next. It crossed my mind that I’m good at dark, serious short stories, so maybe I should write more of those. I also like writing erotica because… well, I like writing about sex. I still occasionally sell a few copies of my raunchy short stories under another name here and there. I also considered re-writing the Cherry Lips fairy tales, now that I have sharpened my writing and editing skills. But I’ve shelved that idea. For now. I want to write something new.
I’m going to continue making money from the blog if anyone is willing to hire me and I make no apologies for that. I’ve got bills to pay! Taking on work as an “influencer” has lost me a few fair-weather friends, who think I’m spamming them or have an ego now and I’m not going to lie, it stings. But, whenever I open up to my family or to other bloggers about people ghosting me and cutting me off now that I’m #sponsored I’m encouraged to keep doing what I’m doing and chalk these bad experiences down to jealousy. I’ve spent so long feeling unhappy and not believing in myself that the idea of someone else being jealous seems ridiculous, but if it’s true, my plan is to work harder than ever… and give them something to be jealous about.
Just as a footnote – Rock Paper Spirit recently earned its highest ever fee. Sadly, it wasn’t me who earned it. It was my dog, Rum. No chance of getting an ego in this family when the dog is higher paid than me.
I suppose the last thing I want to share is that despite the lack of student support I received as a “disabled” student (they class having long-term anxiety as a disability and a barrier to learning), I passed my third year of university with a distinction. I have no idea how. I can only assume that I’m more able and less disabled than anyone thought, myself included.
There’s going to be a couple of sponsored posts coming up, but you can expect a lot more personal posts from me for the second half of this year. And I feel like now that things are looking up, I’m going to enjoy writing them more.